On loosing my job -Covid19

So it was about last Thursday that it settled in.   I did bring my stuff to work and home and went to great lengths to set up and work from home.  I knew in my heart that it was short lived and my circumstances would reduce me to zero hours, no job this week.

I had the worst weekend.  Is my reality the same as millions? Yes.

That being said, 19 years at my job...19 years of the same people...I got to see how a small business operates and how a big family works.  It has been very different but it is where I feel I grew up.  It is like loosing everything.

Did I ever complain? Yep... of course.   But they have been loyal to me and I loyal to them.  The disconnected feeling has been horrible.   We made it final.  And it is probably not the end. If we are hopeful and if the economy survives...I will be back at it getting leads and at my home away from home.

For now...I do not know what the future holds.   I spent the last four days in peril along with my other stuff.  We all have other stuff.

I am not going to fluff up this post as I do not feel fluffy.

I see loose goals of reading and trying to fix up the house. I feel the dread of fixing up something that I might loose, but if I don’t pour love into it.... is it mine to loose? So we hope and we work.

I will be making bread for family and friends. I don’t have the heart to sell soap in this time.  People selling stuff right now are bugging me.  That’s just me.  Selling stuff is great...if you do it....that is awesome.

I am deep in a heavy semester of school.....I’ll be damned it if I just milk it.  I want to learn studio lighting still life...and as the funk leaves.... It will happen.  Most of the really ugly anger is gone...so that helps.

I will write. I will be around.   I will share my world and shine my little dinky light.

I am going to belly dance with Shakira and walk solitary... knitting and sewing masks should happen too.

That is the scoop.   Love and Peace. Stay Safe.

Day 2 of being home

But it’s not really day two, it has been two weeks of home and work only.  Then just work.  And now that is gone too.

Upon awaking I curled into a ball and cried.  I feel trauma and anxiety.  I had no positive thoughts and I didn’t feel like saying it, or liking posts, or pretending.    Not a funny girl right now.

I’ve watched people that are usually bitchy and mouthy get worse.  I keep hearing that this crisis brings out the best in us.  Nope.   I don’t believe it.

I forced myself to get up.

I got up, swept floor, brushed the  dog outside, took out trash, squirted off the patio... changed a few sheets, threw away mail, washed the outside of the patio door and started laundry.

Partner deals with this by sleeping.    So my anxiety is exacerbated by judgement and anger.

It’s only 10:37 am... I am grieving, angry, and probably selfish.  I have lost the ability to read, knit or focus.   I live by distraction ... I am angry at the dogs for only wanting my attention.

I am an introvert that has lost my coping skills.

I want my partner to overachieve like I do.  Ha ha... yea be me!    Isn’t that funny and stupid.  Why would he want to be me?  He is kind ... I am a mess.

 I am writing this petty shit here .... in hopes that I will also write inspiration stuff too.

I am going to try to have a gentle talk with myself.

My Nephew

We lost my 35 year old nephew.  Jeffrey Brian Coker.  Rip my love.

My sister and I had 8 kids in ten years.  We raised our kids together.  Whether they loved it or not.. in the way of things back then, every Friday we hooked up.

There was dinner... music and zillions of cousins running so round.  I would get off work and Roman and I would go to sisters house.  It was the go to for many years.

I remember the most about the music...sis’s kid had their mom’s music down.

I don’t recall 8 more different human beings.. all so different...    As they grew they had opinions and attitudes... but I never paid too much attention.  Old school mom.., everyone likes everyone.

I might have dis-serviced my kids or a niece or nephew but in reality they learned to have to get along.  I loved everyone.. no matter what...family matters most.

But I didn’t force anyone to like each other.

It turns out they all loved each other TONS and they each are grieving and hurting for the loss of Jeff. I started this to write more... but I can not tonight.  BUT  I am the memory keeper and I have all the memories in my head and heart.   I’ve starred releasing them.   I am also the photographer so I have the  all files too. DECADES!

I love you my Jeff.  My little buddy. A toast to you.  I felt you leave this world...keep being special and keep talking to us all.

Thank you for holding my hand.

Now I blast a memory page from an aunties files... I have so much more than even this ... this is a start.

 

I never can say good bye...

Don’t leave too far so that I can’t feel your love and jokes.  I am lucky I am older so I get see you soon.  Love you Jeffery Beffry.

***severely edited for the worst typos and grammer*** posted from my iphone during a hard time.***

Corona virus

Husband and I return from work ... 30 minutes apart....   we faced our day of contamination.  His worse than mine.  He paused before we embraced.   He said... do I give it to you or you give me yours.?  We paused only briefly before the embrace ... where we both pondered...and had a soft lip and cheek encounter.  Because that is our life and our reality.  We have agreed to get it together and heal together... but the actual reality wasn’t good.  I felt his protection for me and he wants to take care of me.

I feel you world

I feel the world.
I am lucky that there is so much good.
But I feel the pain... I feel the other things.
I love the world.
My heart is the worlds heart.
In case anyone wanted to know.

Later posts..

Beginning studio sessions.  She was amazing.💗