about a character - digging out

She always wondered if she dug herself  out of the spiral.

Or did she pop out for no reason. "happy for no reason?" Perhaps

that happy part inside was speaking out against the spiral makers?

But then, did she dig into the spiral, pop into the spiral,  or get sucked in?

"fucked up for no reason." Perhaps the fucked up parts were speaking against

the happy makers?

The deep spiral of calamity.   Where things seemed fearful.

Where she felt alone, attacked and not brave. Where she drew conclusions that

didn’t make sense.

Like she could not matter much in this world if she felt this way, with all these

blessings...Right?  Like this would not be happening if she had done it right?

Did more, better, kinder, smarter, prettier.....

The spiral where she lost time, precious moments, and begged for things to be different.

The thief of free time where her thoughts ran amuck because she couldn't sit still with

herself.  Hostage and prisoner to part of her that didn't comply with her true self....she was in the spiral.

Lay there, stare and cry? Maybe a pill? But no. because a pill would only confirm the truth, that something was wrong. Write to the therapist, scroll through the screens of society to find out what was wrong. Read all the articles.

The only way she could pull herself together was a voice that said, “it’s almost five, what have you done with your day? dinner is soon!!! clean up this mess and put on a face.  Many times that meant  just changing a shirt, and putting on a new attitude, and a fake smile, lipstick? And then she returned to the life that at least was familiar.

"There you go, your secret is safe, but we will be back"  said the voices inside the spiral. "we will bring you back." 

So she just starts chopping veggies, setting a table, taking a quick shower, making sure that everything looked just right. Gather up every last bit of strength and pretend.  Lie if needed, to make it seem like the day was not spent in hell.  After all she did it right every day. She was good and there was no need to feel bad, guilty or hear her mother's voice letting her know she almost did it right.

Reality reigned supreme in the fog of the spiral.  But  beyond it was dinner time, then work, then a new week.

And that reality produced results, a paycheck, a clean house, work outs, social media posts, and most of all ....good deeds. Giving time, emotions and feelings on a bankroll of emotional credit that was maxed out.

That's ok...there is all that breathing, yoga, zen, gratitude... yes that works!!  Right?  That’s what the rest are doing. Look at their sleek happiness, look at all the happy people. And she forgot that earlier she has lay silently screaming inside to have her soul released and to enjoy the comforts of a beautiful patient and kind mind. 

oh well...Ignore it, it will be back when it is welcomed the least.

That was the cycle, until the next lonely, sad and unproductive spiral that would take her out of moment when  she wanted to be still...the moment she tried to rest.

Thank you for reading my writing and looking at my photography
copyright Toni C. Gomez 2020